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I WANTED TO BE QUEEN BUT RACISM SO MURDER: The Story of How I Just Finished My First Playthrough of Dragon Age in One of the Most Bizarre Ways Possible


Setup: I made Bathsheba as my test character. A casteless dwarf who simply wanted to know what was beyond Orzammar and keep herself from a steady diet of dirt and tears for the rest of her life. She grabbed all the allies, and got along really well with most of them. Hell, even Sten called Kadan so that’s like getting your boss to let you wear jeans every day to work, right? This includes Alistair, and even after she bonked Zevran, through gifts and some very lucky dialogue, she manages to bonk him harder than the fist of the Maker.
It’s all led up to the Landsmeet. At this point, I had no idea of the endings, secrets, twists, and the like. First playthrough and all that. SO, we get to talking, and after all the ass-kissing and epic journeying and “proving myself worthy” bullshit, I can’t be fucking queen. Kiss my dick, Alistair. You told me you loved me. YOU MADE ME TOUCH YOUR HANDS FOR STUPID REASONS. At this point, all the effort I made to get that achievement- er, I mean, win his heart and this is how he repays me? FINE. But he’s gonna pay for it.
So I rescue that bitchy wannabe queen. I decide, hey, if I can’t be queen, I can copy Rica and be the world’s finest concubinest. Yeah, get hitched with that goofy nug wrangler and see if I care. I ask Ass-istair, “Is your body ready?” He’s like, “B-b-but twue wuv!” And then I pimp slap him with my 32 cunning and he’s like, “My body is ready.”
So the party don’t start ‘til I walk in, but Loghain acts like I’m that casteless bitch to mess with. He starts talking trash, his daughter shows up like “GAWD DAD ONE DIRECTION I JUST WANNA BE QUEEN JONAS BROTHERS YOU DON’T EVEN UNDERSTAND ME BIEBER BIEBER BIEBER I WANNA BE QUEEN BIEBER.” SO, naturally I duel him. I kick his ass, and luckily because I’m a rogue with dirty fighting, I kick him in the nards. Yes, I kicked him so hard between the legs, he yielded. You can’t find that shit in Game of Thrones. Then again, seeing Tyrion slap the shit out of Joffrey in the first season was magical.
Anyway, I have Alistair kill him since he’s all “No, don’t recruit him. I’ll kill like he killed Duncan.” So, he kills the shit out of Loghain. The Queen B is all “EW TAYLOR SWIFT I’M NOT MARRYING THAT GUY BACKSTREET BOYS HE’S COVERED IN MY DAD’S BLOOD KENNY G THAT’S GROSS LUCIANO PAVAROTTI” and Arl Eamon’s like “Hey, I know you killed my son and all (which I totally did), but can you pick a king?” OH, I can pick a ruler, but I can’t be one myself? Then the option comes up, (PERSUADE) Alistair is gonna rule and I’m gonna be the HBIC around here. I try it. NO FUCKIN’ DICE. What’s the point in me having Master Coercion and 32 Cunning if I can’t make myself queen? So I say fine, Alistair’s king, Queen B is in jail, and Arl Eamon still trusts me way too much considering I killed his son.
So I get ready for the final battle, just learning that arch-demon/Grey Warden transfer balance of doom bullshit, and I find Morrigan just chillin’ lookin’ fine as hell and everything. So she’s talking to me in that way where she doesn’t use any contractions and is all shady and shit, but then she tells me she wants to bonk Alistair to save both of us from having to die. And guess what? I SAID YES. Know why? I had already convinced Alistair to marry the daughter of his greatest enemy on account of saving the kingdom. If nailing the second hottest witch in the game (I’m looking at you, Flemeth, you saucy minx you) is gonna stop the Blight, I’d do it myself. But, I got my fuck puppet Alistair so he’s gonna get down on it. Damn you, you goofy bastard, I knew you were trouble when you walked in, it’s a shame you have to go fuck the witch of the wilds to have a deus ex machina baby while I watch because damn this shit is hot.
OKAY, FINAL BATTLE TIME. I get the gang together and I’m like “I NEED MY MAIN CREW.” I got Fuck Puppet Alistair, Sexy GMILF Wynne, myself, and Sten. I have no nicknames for Sten other than Sten because if I did, I would wax poetic for pages and pages about his wonderful self and his love of cookies. We go to town on some darkspawn ass. This party is McDonald’s: I’m loving it.
I make it to Fort Drakon, and all of a sudden, I’m sitting there, getting mauled by the dragon thrall and shrieks and grunts and emissaries and alphas and I have no more allies because they’re dead and fuck. I take a moment, breathe, summon a bear, and then drink potions and kick ass. I nearly die SEVERAL times, and I can’t die because I haven’t saved since before Redcliffe. I do it. I manage to fight ALL of them without a single ally. Finally, they spring back to life and I go into the fort. BUH-BUH-LING mofugga. ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED! What do you mean? Spare forces? What-
Wait, what was that army thing they mentioned in the beginning of this section? I could…WAIT. WAIT. WAIT. I check the radial menu, and there they are. HUNDREDS of soldiers I could’ve used that entire time. And I didn’t. I didn’t even fucking think of it. I essentially just completed an entire section where you’re supposed to have NPCs and told the game writers to take a trip to Mount FuckYouForEverest. I can’t tell if I just did something insanely awesome or stupid, or awesomely stupid, or stupidly awesome. It’s like eating a whole steak in record time before you realize you were using two knives the entire time instead of using that fork that was right next to you. Which I’ve done.
Anyway, I go through the fort (Oh hey, now I CAN’T use those fucking dickbag armies). My favorite moment? SANDAL. This fucking kid could tear off Chuck Norris’ face and wear his beard as a loincloth. He is standing in a room full of dead bodies like they’re gillyflowers and just says, “Enchantment?” Cthulu lays awake in the primordial ooze, fearing the day he appears from the shadows to lure this world to oblivion for the remote chance he hears “Enchantment!” and feels the fell stroke of Sandal’s pure wrath. So I buy some shit from him and move on.
OH HELL YES, HERE I AM ARCHDEMON. OH SHIT, WYNNE JUST DIED AND NOW THERE ARE ENEMIES EVERYWHERE. I stop, take a breather, summon a bear…WAIT, I’ve been here before. Sure enough, there’s hundreds of soldiers waiting for me. I summon Redcliffe and LAUGH as I see how much easier my final boss was going to be now that I had brought along the full forces of my entire playthrough. I take him down, kaboom, it’s ending time.
So that was pretty much it. I got Morrigan on Pregnant, 16, and Totally Leaving the Party With The Spawn of the Old Gods. A bunch of other shit happened but that’s not important. What is important? I’ve started a new human noble character. She has three things to do: kick ass, become queen, and chew bubblegum. And she’s all out of bubble gum and ass.








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(Source: subliminalmindduck)

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